She may be beautiful, but she can't help you with your SEO.

She may be beautiful, but she can't help you with your SEO.

The SEO guarantees that follow this section must be read with your tongue firmly planted in your cheek.  Again, the SEO guarantees that follow this section must be read with your tongue firmly planted in your cheek (this means they are unforgivably sarcastic).  Now that that’s out of the way, I now can say that the real point of this post is to poke fun at the grandiose claims some SEO firms make for their clients, and to hopefully reinforce the clients’ right to investigate the quality of the organization they are considering.  Here is a pair of simple rules for businesses who are ready and willing to make the wise move of incorporating SEO into their strategy for success:  investigate everything about your potential business partner and draw your conclusions.

With that said, what follows is a number of claims I would love to be able to make for myself regarding SEO but never would and, furthermore, hope no one would ever believe.  What’s somewhat frightening is that, if you look at some of these uncouth SEO firms, the deliberately inane things I am going to say are not all that far off from what is actually claimed (well, sometimes).

Genius SEO Advertisements That Are Ridiculous

That 'S' doesn't stand for SEO.

That 'S' doesn't stand for SEO.

Is your tongue in your cheek yet?  Alright…

I can get you on Google’s (and Bing’s) first page in 1 hour, regardless of your site’s present rank:  Oh yes, you heard that correctly.  The link-building strategies I have mastered, among many others, are so supreme that Google, Bing, and many countries’ governments are struggling to understand just how incredible they are.  And if you want to do PPC, I’ll guarantee that Google starts paying you for your ads in less than a week (less than 24 hours in most cases!!).  Bing will start paying you too, even if you’ve never done any business with them!

In 2 weeks I will ensure that, for any keyword, your site will fill the entire first page of every search engine in existence:  How does this work?  Aren’t there blatant logical inconsistencies present in this kind of claim?  No, and I see it as extremely unprofessional to press the issue.  As far as for how it all works, the short story is magic; the longer story is really good magic; and the full story involves secrets that you just weren’t meant to either have or discover.

My SEO methods are also effective healthy-living methods:  While you see the money and traffic pour in from the effects of techniques you couldn’t possibly understand, you will also notice a significant improvement in the health of everyone at your office.  I have reports confirming the phenomenon of reverse-aging caused by my SEO techniques, and will never deign to explain how this is done either.  As with everything else I have claimed so far, you just have to take my word for it-it is a very fine word to take.

Finally, all I need is your credit card number (and SSN while we’re at it) so that these amazing things can happen:  Sounds like a pretty sweet deal, doesn’t it?  All you have to do is give me a ring-or drop me an email-with a string of numbers at the tip of your tongue (or fingertips) and, in return, miracles shall happen not just for your website, but for your life.

I think that’s enough nonsense for now… :)

SEO Is an Ongoing, Evolving, Complicated Process-Do Not Be Convinced Otherwise

Anyone who promises anything even remotely as absurd as the above is lying to you, plain and simple.  Very rarely are there quick fixes to problems as complicated as the ones SEO deals with, and someone offering you fast and  solutions as opposed to the correct ones, which require time, is doing you a grave disservice. 

It would be nice, though, if the first outrageous could actually be done, right?

This entry was posted on Thursday, December 3, 2009 and is filed under Search Engine Optimization.

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